My past is both a combination of music and memories. I love remembering where I was when some certain song was playing. I love the memories that are filled with joy and humor. Sure, someone like me has a great deal of memories that most would rather forget. I can never forget. The thing is, I don't want to forget. I love my life and though much of my past was painful, I am who I am, in part, because of those experiences. One memory that had a profound impact on who I am today happened in the summer of 1983. I spent the summer at an aunt's house, far away. I was sitting in the flatbed of a pickup truck, helping pick onions in my great aunt's field (who lived near the aunt with whom I spent the summer). We were taking a break, eating snow cones in the heat of the Fresno sun. Back then, there wasn't a lot to do in Fresno and there probably still isn't much. I was 12 years old, about to turn 13 and I knew that my upcoming birthday was a bigger deal than usual because I would become a teenager. I've never liked getting older. Unlike other kids, I never wanted to move onto the next stage. Still don't. But on that day, in the hot summer sun, I was still a kid eating a snow cone. My great uncle promised us all that he'd pay us for our labor and I assumed we'd get a couple of bucks. In fact, at the end of the day, I had fifty bucks in my pocket. Getting back to the flatbed of the truck, as I ate my snow cone, I could hear my female cousins talking about boys and kissing and such while her brother drove the truck to the end of the row. This song played loudly and I can still hear Greg singing along to the music. He had a great voice that seemed to cut through the chatter of my boy-crazy cousins. I didn't care about boys and kissing then; and I didn't want to. For that moment, on the precipice of the teen years, I was a child clinging to my childhood.
That summer was tumultuous for me. I wasn't supposed to stay the entire summer with that aunt. But, as luck would have it, I did. At that time, I didn't know about things in the cosmos like "fate" or "kismet." First, we were in Santa Maria, CA in a mobile home park. My aunt wasn't rich, but she was good to me. I helped her take care of her two kids who were quite young while she was pregnant with a third. Aunt Debbie taught me how to cook that summer and even trusted me to watch the kids when she and Uncle Ron went out on a date. My cousins were 2 and 4 and they were hilarious. I took them swimming at the local public pool and met a few friends there. One night, Auntie and Uncle had some friends over for taco night. One of the people that came over brought a guitar. He broke it out after dinner and while everyone nursed their beer and wine, he played. I couldn't find an acoustic version of the song, but you'll get the idea. It was one of the few times in my childhood that I felt warm, loved and most importantly, safe.
After I'd been with Auntie for about a month, we got word that uncle's grandfather was dying. And so, Auntie, Uncle the babies and I packed everything up and headed to Fresno. Great Auntie had us staying with her since her husband was a truck driver and never at home. They had a sprawling farm in Fresno. On one side was onions and other root vegetables; on the other side was an orange orchard. Great Auntie and Great Uncle were quite well-off. But, Great Uncle was a trucker and never at home which left Great Auntie desperate for some company. Her son, Uncle Ron, was very close with her. It was the first time I saw normal people acting normally and loving each other. Great Auntie's house had a pool too. While we were there, my chores included cleaning the pool once a day, helping out in the fields whenever necessary and I helped with cooking and cleaning the kitchen. Auntie Debbie and Great Auntie Bunny were very good to me. Unfortunately, one sad night, Great Auntie Bunny's father passed away. Auntie Debbie, Uncle Ron, Great Auntie Bunny and Auntie Georgia all left to be with Great Auntie Bunny's mother, newly widowed. That left all us cousins in the house with only my cousin Greg as the the eldest. I took good care of my baby cousins, while Suzie and Clara (my two female cousins) ditched. There was so much work to be done to keep up the farm, that Greg was gone from 4am until 4 in the afternoon. After 4 or 5 days of this, we were sitting on the back porch by the pool. The baby cousins were sleeping in a playpen, while I attempted not to incinerate the food on the grill. Greg napped in the lounger. This song played. I remember this moment. It was the first time that I realized what I would want for my life: to have children.
That summer was tumultuous for me. I wasn't supposed to stay the entire summer with that aunt. But, as luck would have it, I did. At that time, I didn't know about things in the cosmos like "fate" or "kismet." First, we were in Santa Maria, CA in a mobile home park. My aunt wasn't rich, but she was good to me. I helped her take care of her two kids who were quite young while she was pregnant with a third. Aunt Debbie taught me how to cook that summer and even trusted me to watch the kids when she and Uncle Ron went out on a date. My cousins were 2 and 4 and they were hilarious. I took them swimming at the local public pool and met a few friends there. One night, Auntie and Uncle had some friends over for taco night. One of the people that came over brought a guitar. He broke it out after dinner and while everyone nursed their beer and wine, he played. I couldn't find an acoustic version of the song, but you'll get the idea. It was one of the few times in my childhood that I felt warm, loved and most importantly, safe.
After I'd been with Auntie for about a month, we got word that uncle's grandfather was dying. And so, Auntie, Uncle the babies and I packed everything up and headed to Fresno. Great Auntie had us staying with her since her husband was a truck driver and never at home. They had a sprawling farm in Fresno. On one side was onions and other root vegetables; on the other side was an orange orchard. Great Auntie and Great Uncle were quite well-off. But, Great Uncle was a trucker and never at home which left Great Auntie desperate for some company. Her son, Uncle Ron, was very close with her. It was the first time I saw normal people acting normally and loving each other. Great Auntie's house had a pool too. While we were there, my chores included cleaning the pool once a day, helping out in the fields whenever necessary and I helped with cooking and cleaning the kitchen. Auntie Debbie and Great Auntie Bunny were very good to me. Unfortunately, one sad night, Great Auntie Bunny's father passed away. Auntie Debbie, Uncle Ron, Great Auntie Bunny and Auntie Georgia all left to be with Great Auntie Bunny's mother, newly widowed. That left all us cousins in the house with only my cousin Greg as the the eldest. I took good care of my baby cousins, while Suzie and Clara (my two female cousins) ditched. There was so much work to be done to keep up the farm, that Greg was gone from 4am until 4 in the afternoon. After 4 or 5 days of this, we were sitting on the back porch by the pool. The baby cousins were sleeping in a playpen, while I attempted not to incinerate the food on the grill. Greg napped in the lounger. This song played. I remember this moment. It was the first time that I realized what I would want for my life: to have children.
My cousins got into a lot of trouble that summer. Suzie was caught with a boy and she was only 11!!! Clara was caught at the same time, but she was still fully dressed. I was really sickened by what they'd been caught doing because frankly, I had never really given DOING that any thought. I just figured those things (and YES, I did know what those things were) were meant for later on in my life. I was right, of course. That didn't stop Suzie and Clara from making fun of me relentlessly. One evening, after all the Aunties had returned, they were especially cruel. After everyone had gone to bed, I lay awake crying. I mean, I was being made fun of for being myself. Greg came out and heard me crying. He said, "No one will ever NOT like you for being a virgin. But a lot of people would judge you for being a whore. You're a good girl, and I have more respect for you than I do for anyone else here." Can I tell you a secret? I've had an emotional crush on Greg my entire life. Just that time, that summer, a few weeks of just he and I and my baby cousins. It felt like a little family. It felt comforting and soothing. I was safe, loved and happy. It's the best memory of summer I have. Since then, I have never known what happened to Greg or his sister. I barely communicate with anyone in my family and only hear from my aunt once every few years. If I had the chance, I would tell Greg that he is the reason that I saw more for my life than where it was headed back then. Just a few kind words, spoken honestly with love... that's all I needed. This song was on a record that we had around the house. It wasn't Greg's taste in music, but it was one of the only records we could find. And, it was one that he tolerated. Greg, wherever you are, wherever you landed in life: Thank you. You are remembered fondly. I wish you all the love and joy and comfort you showed me and more.
