Club Scene

I haven't been to a club in forever. Well, when you're a mom, forever feels like a long, long time.


Tonight, I celebrated my sister's birthday with her by dragging her to a club that once was a hopping place. Ok, THAT sentence just outed me on my age. Damn. Seriously, it's been a long time, but I had no idea just how long until I walked into what was once a club set up for dancing. Now, the RESTAURANT is set up for diners who want a moderately priced meal in a relaxed environment. Definitely NOT set up to get your freak on. ... No freakin' in the restaurant, for chrissakes; people gotta eat on those tables!!! Still, it was disheartening to see what was once a fun place turned into a mild-mannered little hole-in-the-wall restaurant.


What made the night worse (or better, depending on your perspective) was the karaoke. Or, as my brother has put it, "Scary-oke!" It was definitely SCARY. I wonder, sometimes, if people are able to hear at the same time that they are speaking (or singing, as it were). I have my doubts, let's leave it at that. Well, it would be polite to leave it at that, but I'm not going to. I'm not exactly what we in the business call, "polite." So here it is: some people can sing, everyone else happened to be in the restaurant-turned-dance-floor-karaoke-bar we patronized tonight. It was a disaster. Here's a tip, if you don't know if you're on key, just place a finger in your ear and you'll be able to hear YOURSELF over everything else. Under no circumstances is it wise to simply sing LOUDER. I mean, when you're wrong, you can really damage brains -- some of which won't be yours.


And then there's the DJ. What kills a good club faster than bad shrimp? A shitty DJ that doesn't understand music genres and how they interact. It's sort of sad if your craft is MUSIC, and you can't figure out how to manage the tempo of a crowd. Also, know your audience, and don't let their "requests" turn you into a dumbass. Just because the drifter in the corner wishes the jukebox was still on, does NOT mean you have to interrupt the mojo by inserting "More Than A Feelin'" into the rotation. Now, I love Boston like any good New Englander. But it's not a club song. And if it appears between The Macarena and Sir Mix A Lot's, "Big Butts," you have a real problem on your hands. And another thing... should you even PLAY "Big Butts?" I don't think so. I mean, two groups will dance to this song; women with big butts who will swirl and twirl their big butts in your face, and women who DON'T have big butts who will stand there looking really stupid with their tiny, narrow butts.


Something I was thinking about while watching the people "dance," was that, really... LESS IS MORE. For example, the more you try to look sexy, the more stupid you look. Ladies, "Sexy" is a state of mind, not an outfit. It's not a style of make-up, and certainly, it's not a pre-choreographed dance. Want to know what ALL men find "sexy?" Try being real, stop lying about liking sports and put a damned smile on your face. A smile; it's the simplest form of "sexy" that there is. You don't have to dislocate your pelvis, you don't have to gyrate 2 inches off the floor, you don't have to suck in your cheeks and narrow your eyeballs. Just smile. And dance!! Smile and dance and have a good time. Men think that is very sexy. So, please stop trying to out-whore me on the dance floor. For one thing, I don't care, you can win that competition. For another, you actually don't look sexy, you look desperate and stupid. And for the final blow, you're probably going to fall down and look like an ass. And stop doing moves no one does anymore with your tongue in your cheek. We KNOW that you're ancient, hell, so am I. And we know what was popular eight hundred years ago. The younguns just think we're has-beens, and you get no street cred for remembering The Fly, or the Smurf and running man is definitely NOT cool.


I thought it'd be fun to add in some club tunes and my favorites to dance to. I hope you love it and remember when you were hip enough to shake your groove thing without breaking anything. Under my favorite club videos, is a bit about line dancing... tread carefully.












What can I say about line dancing? It's dumb and looks dumb, unless you're up there doing it. This is true of a great many things. Alas, I admit, I do the line dances, if for nothing else, than to screw up the dance and make people collide into me. I find this funny. Or, spin the wrong way and get others to spin with you. That's a good time too. Or, do totally different moves, and watch the drunks try to keep up with you like they know that dance too.